7120
Fairview Road # 20, Tillamook, OR 97141
Evajean’s
journal for
Wednesday
October 1 2014
I’ve been in Tillamook for 8 months. Doesn’t seem that long, but I’ve never been
anywhere for 8 months temporarily – well, except college. Maybe I’m not temporary. Maybe I’m a short term resident. The manager of the mobile home park
approached me one day at the mail box and asked me how long I was going to be
here. I looked at him, wondering why it
mattered to him, and then I shrugged and said, “as long as my dad needs
me.” Vague, but true. My sister told me later I should have asked
him how long HE intends to be here.
LOL.
When I arrived the end of January I wasn’t thinking about
the future. I was worried about Dad and
I just needed to get here and see if he was ok. The stroke had frightened me to the point of confusion and it was
all I could do to get myself packed and get on the road. It’s still easier, even now, to consider
myself temporary than to adjust to the idea that I have actually left Spokane
and moved to Oregon, which is silly because for all practical purposes I live
here. But when I think of actually
uprooting myself and moving lock, stock and barrel, I sort of freak out. It’s much more comfortable being
temporary. Then I don’t feel like I
have to make any earth shattering decision.
Be careful what you pray for. Has anyone ever said that to you? Not to beat a dead horse, but last year at this time I was very
unhappy. I was miserable at work; I
felt unsettled and a bit like an intruder in my home situation; I was missing
my mom terribly; and I was very tired after Bill’s long illness and I needed
some rest. I had been asking the Lord
to do something to help me. I reminded
Him that fixing all the things that were wrong in my life was not going to be
easy. On top of that I had begun to
repeat the prayer I had prayed the year before that when I realized my mom was
in the last chapter of her life. I had
prayed that somehow I could be with her when she passed away. I knew it was selfish. Many people just get that phone call in the
middle of the night. But for some
strange reason, I was blessed with the opportunity to be with her that last 3
weeks. And now a year later I was
telling the Lord that I didn’t deserve two in a row, but if He could work it
out, I wanted to be with my dad when he steps across to that shore.
Getting fired and Dad having a stroke was not on my list of
suggestions. God marches to the tune of
his own drummer and we can instruct Him until the cows come home, but at some
point we all have to wake up and realize He is in charge. They say God has 4 answers: Yes, no, maybe and ARE YOU KIDDING? But when we finally get it, it’s a great
stress reliever. Dad tells me every day
how glad he is that I am here. Every night
on his way to bed he thanks me for everything I did for him that day and how
thankful he is that he gets to be in his own home “because,” he says, “if you
were not here I would have to be in a HOME.” At one point, he had told us that
he thought we should go ahead and put him in the HOME because he felt too weak
to take care of himself, but, as I have said before, something he said one day
was a revelation. He casually mentioned
one day that he had always had Mom with him when they moved to a new town or a
new home or a new church. They were
together – a team. But now, for the
first time in his adult life, he was going some place new and he would be all
by himself. It was at that point I said
to myself, “Where am I going? What do I
have to do that is more important that my dad?
I’m here. Why don’t I just stay
here so HE can stay right here in his own home?” I have never thought of my dad as timid. He has always faced what life handed him and
dealt with it. He had never once said
anything negative about his having to move out of his home. Furthermore, it was he who mentioned it
first last fall – way before his stroke.
No, he has never shown fear of the unknown. Trouble, sadness, death of his firstborn one-day-old son, death
of his 2 sons-in-law, heartache, and death of his beloved – he met it all head
on. He’ll tell you that in every
assignment of his ministry, he felt like he was in over his head. I prefer to call it humility. He says he was always just a naïve farm boy
from Tillamook. Yet, 3 successful
building programs in 3 of his pastorates, many life long friends, a reputation
for honesty and integrity, and being elected chaplain of the Spokane Transit
Authority by the Union – when there had never been one before or since -- may
speak otherwise.
I tell him that he may think that I am doing HIM a favor,
but HE is the one handing out the favors.
I needed a change of venue and some rest and that’s just what I
have. Looking after my dad is a piece
of cake. I am blessed. The most annoying problem I have is planning
menus with plenty of variety and keeping the salt intake down. And, I guess, being so far away from
Walmart. It’s 60 miles to the nearest
one. About the same for Target. I shop on line a lot. I wanted to take a trip to Spokane, but it
caused so much anxiety for Dad that I decided to bag it. Dad apologized for being selfish, but he
says that if something happened to me, he knows he would have to go to the
HOME. He frets when I talk about going
very far. Even when I am going to the
grocery store, he will instruct me to be sure and come back because he needs
me. And when I thought about it, I
tried to imagine what it would be like to be totally dependent on someone else
– to be at the mercy of that person. It
actually brought tears to my eyes because after his being so self-sufficient
all these years and now so helpless must be the ultimate of adjustments.
Imagine not being able to make yourself a cup of coffee because you dare not
let go of the handles of your walker or you may fall down.
You hear these horror stories about the elderly and how the
care-givers neglect them or abuse them.
It reminds me of work-places where you are at the mercy of your
boss. Dance to his tune or lose your
job. If you have a boss that changes
his mind according to the way the wind blows, you have a real problem. If your boss treats you badly, you suffer in
silence or you quit. If your boss
humiliates you in front of your co-workers, you have a good cry and suffer in
silence because you need this job and you think about the process of quitting
this one and pounding the pavement looking for another one and hoping you get
one before you run out of money… or maybe you are so strapped for money you
can’t afford to quit because every day you aren’t working is a day without pay
which puts you more behind… I could go
on talking about humans and the abuse of power..
But, I digress.. I
wanted to put Dad’s mind at ease because sometimes he’ll say he hopes I am
happy here and that I will stay and not
leave. I told him it’s like I joined
the Peace Corps. I didn’t get drafted
like the military. I
volunteered. It’s a mission with an
unknown end date. When I signed on I
didn’t know how long it would be, and I was fine with that. The plan is: there is no plan. I’m
just here until the mission is concluded.
That’s all. He is happy with
that. He surprised me one day a few
weeks ago by saying that if I wanted to get a cat it was ok with him. I had told him that I miss my kitties in
Spokane. You won’t understand that
unless you’re a cat person. Or at least
an animal person. But my kitties in
Spokane are set in their ways and it would upset them terribly if I tried to bring
one or all of them to Tillamook. At
first Dad said no animals. I think he
was thinking he would have to walk them and feed them, etc. But I was thrilled when he decided it would
be ok for me to have kitties here. I
contacted United Paws of Tillamook and went through the adoption process. I had to have references – 3 of them – which they called; and then I met with a
lady and did the paperwork. These
rescue animals are really protected!
Then I finally took delivery of 2 little 4-month-old kittens. Their foster mothers came and brought them
to the house. It turns out they are
brother and sister – from the same litter and they are almost identical. All black with white paws and white
collar. The little boy has a white spot
on his face. And he is a little bit
bigger than his sister. They are
hilarious and Dad is hoping they will warm up to him and get on his lap. I named them Freddie and Flossie – after one
of the 2 sets of the Bobbsey Twins. If
you have not heard of the Bobbsey Twins, you are most likely younger than
me. The first book of the
72-book-series was published in 1904. There were 2 sets of twins in the
family. The older twins were Nan and
Bert. I know. Nothing remotely similar in those names at all.
But, I digress again…
Back to my cats. I tell you all
this in the midst of a muddle of conflicting emotions. I feel very guilty because my sister is
allergic. I really feel bad and I’m
hoping she will still speak to me after she reads this. (I am such a chicken I couldn’t even tell
her face to face – because hers will probably be a little blotchy…) But I plan to tuck the kittens in my room,
shut the door, dust and vacuum madly just before she comes and get some
benedryl to have on hand and hope and pray it doesn’t kill her. And then, I feel some disloyalty to my kittens
in Spokane. I haven’t told them they
have a new sister and brother – would that be half sister and half
brother? I am really so ashamed that I
am such a selfish coward. May God
forgive me. I should have been
Jewish. I carry so much guilt. Pray for me. And pray for my poor sister.
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